So, I’m doing something different. I’m doing something that is terrifying for me. I’m going to do as the title implies… I’m going to let you see a little bit of me. It’s different when it’s something that I’ve written that I can say is technically “fiction”. Or even a poem that I can just say is “inspired by life” but not explain how deep it is for me. You may very well wonder why I am doing this if it is so terrifying, well, I’ve been growing up a lot over the past couple years. I’ve gained a lot of maturity(I hope) and confidence(although maybe not enough). I’ve gotten this far: I have a blog, which is something I thought about for a long time before actually making it happen.
With all this growing up and stuff I thought I might as well do something that has always been hard for me. Yes, it’s sort of writing… but it’s different, because this time it’s 100% me. I can’t claim it’s fiction because it’s not. Now I get to see how much confidence I really have.
I’m starting with something I wrote near the end of last year. It will hopefully explain why this is all terrifying for me.
December 23, 2018
I think everything I write is a little bit about me, whether I know it or not. Maybe that’s why I don’t like people to read my writing, because I’m afraid they’ll be able to tell that I’m really just writing about myself. Then they’ll be able to see inside me, to see something I don’t want them to see.
I want people to read. I want to show them what I can do. At the same time I’m terrified that they’ll understand it too much. They’ll see the part of the story that isn’t a fantasy. They’ll see the part of the story that is me.
Now I begin in earnest, and there is no story to hide behind. Not even a little.
I live in fantasy’s a lot. In other words I live in side my head a lot, or I daydream a lot, which for me means talking less. It means ignoring reality and talking to the moon more than real people. It means a lot of things that aren’t all good, because the problem is: I’m in reality whether I want to be or not. I’m not floating around in nothingness with nothing to do but dream up life. I actually have a life to live. I sometimes say I don’t have a life, but that’s because more than half of the time I’m sitting at home, in my room, doing nothing. That’s one of the things I’ve been trying to change the past couple years. Not because being at home is bad. I know I can’t be as social as some people(that’s just a fact), but there are things that I do enjoy doing, and people that I really enjoy being around. I should take the opportunity to do something with my life. Fantasies don’t last forever, and if I sit around until my fantasy crumbles… there will be very few friends waiting for me in reality. If any.
On another note…
Some people have a sense of “I should do this because it’s a nice thing to do”. Unfortunately… I really don’t. I’m not saying I never do nice things, I think I do… sometimes. I’m just saying there are certain things that just don’t cross my mind, or in some cases they cross my mind but I think “But why?” and then don’t.
- When someone says “How are you?” I say the first one word reply I can think of, and I don’t add “How are you?”. Not because I’m trying to be rude but because it honestly doesn’t cross my mind to prolong the already(in my mind) too long “conversation”.
- I don’t feel obligated to answer a question just because it’s been asked.
- I’m not one of those people who is really open about anything. If I really don’t feel like talking about something you won’t hear about it.
- When people are acting like “I do this cause it’s cool” I think “Why? It looks stupid.”
- If someone comes to my house, and I don’t want to talk to them, I hide in my room.
- I don’t study for tests if I don’t feel like it. If I fail… so what?
- I hate school.
- I love my siblings. (Even when I hate them)
- Dogs are “okay”, but ALL cats are my babies.
- I could read Jane Eyre all day every day because it is so amazing. (I may or may not have been reading it today)
- “A few” in my mind is how ever many I want it to be, and “one more time”… is infinity.
I’m a little impressed with myself for not dying, but I also realize that I kept it very short, and resorted to being silly to escape being too serious. Well, I’m done now.